Thursday, July 29, 2010

on my mind

The husband is coming home soon for a short visit before he is shipped off to lands unknown to live out his dreams of being the greatest american hero ;)  While he is here we are getting family photos taken.  And I am stressed!  I seriously have been losing sleep over this.  I want everything to be so perfect; do I have the best shoes? is Lily's dress too dressy? should I cut Niels' hair? why doesn't money grow on trees so I can buy that Emerson Made flower I want?  do we have too many patterns going on? & etc.  
Yesterday at 3 am tossing and turning thinking about all this I was convinced I had gone insane, they are family photo's for heaven's sake.  I kept telling myself to remember last years thrown together last minute photo & it's one of my favorites.  Why couldn't I just chill?

Then today it came to me
while getting good mom advice
it didn't hit me like a ton of bricks more like a slow snowfall

this could be our last 

our last family photo, our last family time, our last hug, our last kiss.

The husband and I have had many long talks about this, mostly dominated by joking & sarcasm.  And of course when I talk about it I laugh and tease and joke to the shock & horror of whom ever I am talking to.  But that's how I've dealt with this cloud over my head that was attached the minute the husband slipped the ring on my finger.

And now, who knows why (pms?) the tears won't stop.
I feel incredibly silly about it.  I mean the husband is still around, and the statistics say he's more likely to be killed on the freeway than where he's going.  

but still..
it happens & I think I'm a little scared


courtney said...

janae! i'm wishing i could give you a big, fat hug right now. i love your family picture too and i can't wait to see how the new one turns out. i'm sure family pictures will be keeping you up at night for many years to come!!


Wendy said...

JaNae, you are awesome. Your pictures are always gorgeous because all of you are. Know that there are many thinking about you and praying for you, and the sarcasm is one of the things I love most about you. :)

Steph Wynder said...

I just finished getting ready for the day and then I got on the computer and now I have to go get ready again because now I am crying and I am pretty sure my makeup is running down my face!

Stacey and Mel said...

Why can't he just stay home and be the great american husband and dad instead of hero?!?!?!? And now I'm crying too, but I don't have to redo my makeup because I think it already has disappeared with the sweat.

Life Is Good said...


Jana said...

Stab me in the heart.

Amy said...

You are amazingly strong! What a beautiful post.

Tiffany said...

Oh JaNae. What I sad post. Your family is always in our prayers...and you know Gary wont go down without a fight. He'll be fine. Everything will work out. Hang in there. It's perfectly normal to be scared, anyone in your situation would be. Can't wait to see how the family pic turned out. We love you and your beautiful family.

JaNae said...

thanks ladies, this thought has just been a seed in the back of my mind for a long time and now it's a mountain!
so if I see any of you in the next couple of weeks I would just like to apologize now for my future random seemingly inexplicable crying.
It's wearing me out.
sorry about the reapplication of makeup steph ;)
(I don't know if I'll make it through sunday dinner!)

Melissa said...

JaNae. Why can't we live closer? Think and cry over it all you want. Few of us wives ever have to face the facts that you do. Having him gone is hard enough, but I'm sure the rest is always there. You are amazing. And thank you. Lots of love to you and Gary. You're in our prayers.
p.s. My word verification is "cales". Ironic, yes?

Kat said...

JaNae, this is an awesome post, and you are amazing! I absolutely love the family pic too. :)